I crush everything

My first taste of La Conquista came as a young squire, from the appropriate source of my Lord Francisco, Conquistador Lord of the Undead. Its trappings were humble: a green dot matrix screen, a red LED, and more unwieldy gray plastic than you can shake a lance at. Into this four-batteried beast fit Tetris, a game of Russian Conquest over small squares, whose desperate and ultimately futile attempts at banding together in groups of four provided the means to their demise. To complete one line was to strike a blow: to crush four was to hear the harmonious screams of the fallen. My Lord demonstrated how to truly annihilate the opposition, achieving the goal of launching Russian spacecraft followed by suplexing (yes, suplexing) the vanquished device onto the hardwood floor in a fit of triumph. Though I was stricken, the Game Boy was not, suffering naught but blows to its pride.

That day, I learned what a real gaming device was.

Of course, nowadays, things will break simply because one has the audacity to turn them on. The three hundred and sixty degrees of gaming prowess promised by Microsoft seem unable to stand up to their own power, resulting in retarded, yes, re-developmentally-f**ked-tarded error codes like "This disc must be placed in an Xbox 360 in order to play". Or blinking general hardware failure lights, portents of unspecified doom that they are. Caballeros, this cannot stand. This must not stand. Must we be denied killing zombies, rocking out, and killing aliens simply because we paid 400+tax dollars for shoddy design? Must we suffer the scratching of our discs because the accepted vertical orientations of the damned device seems to invite such tragedy? Did they not invent goddamned heat sinks and no-skip CD players LAST GODDAMN CENTURY?!

Has Microsoft learned nothing from the Blue Screen Of Death?

I will have my Xbox 360, when the savings allow it. And pobre de Microsoft if it breaks or scratches a game.



For the record, there's like 5 games I actually want on the damn thing that aren't on the PS3, and I'm getting them on Sony's millstone device unless Microsoft proves that their console won't break from regular, every-day use unless you're unlucky. I still remember the original Xbox hard drive failure rate after 3 years. Shades of the original NES's cartridge loader. I'm gonna go ahead and assume that the priority was cutting corners and getting it out quickly as opposed to, you know, quality.

:SñrC

PS: The title is borrowed from Jonathan Coulton. Octopi rule.

Microsoft: "Yeah, well, we are not sorry."

In the beginning...

...there was battle. War was the best way to spend your free time, fighting and pillaging your way across the land. The only hardware you needed was a good weapon and a bit of armor. The software to fight was pre-loaded at birth and didn't cost a damn penny. This medium of entertainment lasted for thousands or years, and no one complained (except, of course, the conquered). Stories of these battles served as the trailers, preparing the next generation to play. Interspersed between battles were cut scenes of drinking, sex and shady political dealings, making the urge to play (see; "fight") grow and grow, until ships were sailed, swords were drawn and lands were taken.
But then, tragedy struck. The "civil majority" (see; weak, scrawny bureaucrats) gained power by exploiting the working warrior, leading crusades that, while gratifying, provided no real satisfaction to the combatant. Gone were the days of glory; these were the days of "piety" and "humility." The career killer was not allowed to be proud of his art. Instead, he had to turn over all his victories to "God's Will," thereby crushing his tender, bloody spirit. This effectively brought an end to the meaningful battle spirit for many, many years. Violence still existed, but the fun was gone (though pockets of true believers DID keep the traditions alive, under the political radar, of course).
Then, something happened. Spurned on by Dungeons & Dragons and Led Zepplin, the human interest in good old fashion glory re-ignited. Sure, some may call this "fantasy," (I call those people "tools") but to the enlightened, these were the sparks of a new future, which would culminate in a very unlikely place...
(Part 2 coming soon)