Wherefore art thou 3-D?

This is by no means a new trend, but people (read: Game Directors) still seem to think that the Nintendo DS can handle rasterized 3-D graphics.  It can't.  Seriously.  Just look at the evidence:

This game is new, people

Remember what the PS1 and the N64 could do?  That's how powerful the DS hardware is.  Yes, congratulations, you can get the dog to sing, but it's not good singing and nobody truly wants to hear it in the first place.  Sure, the pre-rendered cutscene videos are gorgeous, and getting a cell-shaded polygonal character to show up right is a technical marvel, but it still looks like ass.

 Not Pictured: the hole in between

It's not like 3D models and physics are easier to get functioning than 2D sprites are to draw and animate, and the 2D stuff looks better on the DS every time, just because its competition is doomed to mediocrity from the beginning.  I don't believe 3D art is inherently bad, just that there's times when it's not necessary and not better looking than the alternative; by and large, when you're making a game on the NDS, that is the time to stop thinking in 3D.  For example, Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass uses a 2D isometric viewpoint, while Final Fantasy IV uses all the physics found in the original SNES game, which is basically none at all.  Why are you using low-polygon-count models if the alternative looks miles better?

Sweet shadows and camera angle guys.  Totally justifies all three dimensions.

This has nothing to do with gameplay, nothing to do with the concept with 3D art as a whole.  If these games were on anything with the same or better power as a PS2, you could get some shaders, some more polygons, all kinds of 3D awesomeness up in that bitch and then dramatically spin the camera all over the goddamn place.  The kinds of things they were doing with 3D models and faux-cell shaded 3D on last generation's consoles were fascinating and are only getting better in this generation, but this NDS stuff?  This is a fucking waste of everyone's time.  When the texture art is made to look worse by the model it's covering, you know you made the wrong choice.

:SñrC

Image credits:
(Final Fantasy IV) Defunct Games
(Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass) GameZone
(Kingdom Hearts 385/2) GayGamer.net

Wall o' Text: Literally the least important problem running through my brain right now

So I'm going to start a "feature" now ("feature" is what the people who used to write for newspapers call it), called Wall o' Text.  Wall o' Text is what happens when one starts writing down the thoughts one has been mulling over in one's head since one can't actually discuss them with anyone else because they're far too inane.  Basically, it's a stream of focused consciousness, a long diatribe about a very small thing.  Think of the title as a fair warning, because there are definitely some words up ahead here, in a kind of wall formation built to assault the senses.  Wall formations get + 3 to assault, you know.
 

Let's talk Diablo III.

Yes, Diabo III, that impending juggernaut that prevents any Action RPG from ever achieving true undeniable greatness.
Sorry, Titan Quest: you just didn't have the right online community.
Sorry, Sacred 1 & 2: your point and click action is more like a slow, boring MMO.
Sorry, Loki: you weren't even worth playing, you useless piece of shit.

Asides aside, I'm really looking forward to the revealing of the fifth class.  As of this writing, only the first four have been revealed: Barbarian, Witch Doctor, Wizard, and Monk.  Blizzard has said they aren't bringing anyone else back (besides the refactored Barb) because the old classes don't really have anything new to bring to the table.  I, for one, have to agree with them.

more on this (incredibly boring) topic after the jump.

I think of it more like a place to put personal opinions

I'm assuming that no one will read this post by the time this sale is over, but Direct 2 Drive is having a $5 sale on a bunch of games to celebrate their 5th anniversary, all month long.  5 weeks, actually.  Included are some of my favorites:  Titan Quest, Civ 4, and X-COM.

Ah, X-COM.

I played it on a friend's computer back in the bad old days of DOS memory management and windows 95 tomfoolery.  It was the coolest goddamn thing ever.

 

 Pictured: the coolest goddamn thing ever.

In the context of the times, it was as awesome as those outdated "Ultimate Gaming Machine" ads that say that no one could ever want more than 128 megs of RAM.  You controlled an ultimately expendable army of hopelessly outclassed human recruits whose only chance came in the form of stealing alien weaponry and expending the considerable assets of the free world on shit-tons of hi-tech research.  Aliens could still kill the hell out of your dudes, though, as could your own side's mis-thrown grenades and the fact that the game implemented line of sight so that corners were basically lethal traps spewing alien bullets.  Make no mistake, at 10 years old, this game was HARD.  It kicked our asses even as we succeeded in our mission goals.

There's a reason why this game is heralded as a cult classic and why the creator keeps trying to recapture the glory.  It's basically the best tactical miniatures board game (think Space Hulk) you've ever played on a computer, and the "realtime" research system bests the one from Syndicate (Bullfrog Productions i.e. PETER GODDAMN MOLYNEUX) even though it's about three years older. So yeah, it's a good game with solid concepts that were possibly even ahead of its time; that says cult classic to me no matter how many times you slice it.

If you haven't played X-COM and can put up with the pixellation, the first two games are easily worth the $5 dollars d2d is charging for all five.  Otherwise, check out UFO: Alien Invasion, a game heavily based off of the original X-COM (or UFO: Enemy Unknown as it's called in Europe).  Worth playing if you like Strategy RPG's like FFTactics, or anything mentioned in Kat Bailey's Strategery category on the 1up.com RPG blog.  Especially for $5.

I used to have a policy that said that any game on a $5 sale is probably worth checking out.  Glad to see that Digital Distribution has made this theory viable.

:SñrC

(image courtesy of GameSpot)

Bang Bang

Loaded the Dungeon Fighter Online open beta last night....I'm impressed.  I love side scrolling brawlers with an eerie passion, so said love isn't unexpected, but I'm really enjoying mashing the attack button in this game.  It's not River City Ransom--what could be?--and I haven't even done a dungeon in "multiplayer", but the goblin-punching execution works, especially when you get to the first big boss, a screen-tall minotaur that's easily 5 times harder that the first boss minotaur they toss at you.  My favorite part of any beat-'em-up is finding an enemy large enough to last through the crazy carnage you can dish out, and that huge jackass did not disappoint: I juggled him like a beach ball and he still stood up and knocked me across the screen.  The free price point makes it that much more recommendable even though I don't know how the rest of the game is and I've only played as the fistfighter (punch them in the face).  Oh, for the record: you can play as a gunfighter who shoots assholes with a gattling gun. In the face.

She's totally about to give him the German Suplex Bridge.  Hell yes.

The art direction's, well, Japanese (read: spiky hair, gamut of "moe" stereotypes, boobs.  I don't care if it's actually Korean, pay respects to the masters of perv), but the graphics are smooth and appealing to those of us weaned on brawlers like Streets of Rage and King of Dragons.  Plus, you can suplex people.  What's not to love?

I love a good face-punching.

:SñrC

(image courtesy of 2d-X.com)

And We're Back?

Oof.  Cobwebs everywhere.

So, in the intervening year, we have continued playing games; sadly, there has been no writing.  Let this be a glorious hiatus from not posting anything.

Time to dust off the old post editor and put some words onto webservers.

:SñrC