All the news that's fit to get angry about...

Now, it’s mostly certain that any time we log onto the internet, we are going to come across some news that makes us remember why we pick video games over interaction with all the stupid people out in the world. This is quite unavoidable; even when we go to what should be havens of digital sanctity, we are still bound to be drawn to some headline about a kid blaming Tetris for him killing his family, or how Katamari ruined a couple’s marriage. And like the obedient news whores we are, we point, click and sigh. Here’s a few of the good ones from today, along with my feelings about them.

Uwe Boll, director of some of the award-winningly unwatchable anti-classics such as “BloodRayne” and “Alone in the Dark” (neither of which I’ve seen, granted, but of course at my age I shouldn’t have to touch the grill to know the barbeque is hot) has caused a stir over at the New York Post due to some alleged copyright infringement over some parody sites Boll created to shamelessly plug his new “movie” (“train wreck”) Postal. Now, I am a full-fledged supporter of the freedom of speech, and rarely find any reason that we should censor forms of satire, but in Boll’s case, I have decided to make an exception. Since this is the man that put out a public challenge to box any critic of his “art,” then pussied out of fighting Seanbaby after he realized that that the multi-color-haired video game comedian was more physically imposing then he might have appeared on Boll’s 13-inch black and white television, Boll has lost any concept of respect I could have ever held for anyone who makes such terrible excuses for movies. So in light of this, I hold the hope then the Supreme Court will petition the German government to place a cease-and-desist order on Boll from ever making another movie. That, my friend, is justice Jamieson-style.

We learned today about the delay of the next game that I think of as “Things I Do 9 to 5,” also known as “Grand Theft Auto IV” to folks who have never spent a work day with me. I’d like to start by asking, is anyone out there really naïve enough to be SURPRISED by this? I’ve actually been waiting for this delay, and I’m kind of shocked that it came with so much warning. Hell, I’m used to finding out about delays the morning I call the game store to ask is my game is in. Honestly, I couldn’t figure out how they were going to get the game out so fast, unless it had more bugs than a fast food kid’s meal. Take your time, Rock Star. Maybe in this one I won’t run into that weird glitch where I have to kill a bunch of pedestrians, crash cars into gang members and become a crime kingpin. Wait a second…

Next on my ever-jilted agenda are claims of racism in Resident Evil 5, based on footage from a trailer that shows the game’s returning protagonist, Chris Redfield, fighting off hordes of African zombies in a rural area that may even be part of Africa. First, let’s look at the fact that every other Resident Evil game revolved around the termination of Caucasian zombies, about which I never heard any complaints from either side of this new argument. In fact, I don’t think anyone even THOUGHT about it, probably because it is a known fact that killing Caucasians is a generally accepted practice throughout the entire world, and in some places it’s not even considered a crime. Also, based on my knowledge of previous Resident Evil games, I would guess that the entire point of this new sequel is to end the outbreak that is creating the zombies, and save the other (most likely) Africans that have not been affected, but those complaining about the footage probably never bothered thinking about that. In fact, I am going to go so far as to counter these claims of racism by saying that there is a fair chance that the people making said claims are most likely racist themselves, people who enjoyed killing “honky” zombies but when they see a game set in (what is possibly) Africa, where a terrible virus has spread and a lone soldier is sent to help end it, they get offended. Would it have been okay if the game’s hero was black? Or would they then have been pissed off because the game reflected inner-city strife? The problem with people who get offended by these sorts of things is that they are LOOKING for something to offend them, so they can complain about it and feel important. So I am going to make it a point to ask all my black friends (and yes, they prefer to be called black; I called a friend of mine “African-American” once and he almost died laughing at me) if they are bothered by the fact that they’ll have to kill African zombies, or if it’ll just be another Resident Evil game to them. I think I know what the answer will be.

I still wait for the day that the world wakes from this mind-numbing stupor and stops being such douchebags all the time, but I am constantly stopped at the Way Things Are wall, spray-painted every shade of stupid with idiocy highlights. But I still hold hope that I will be surprised someday, and we can all hold our controllers in peace without the Fun Police knocking down our doors and putting us in EveryoneSucksLand. Until then, at least I have booze.

But ho, good news is still to be found somewhere! For anyone who doesn’t know (which is probably most of you) I vowed I would wait to buy an Xbox 360 until the new and improved CPU chip (which was promised last year for EARLY 07. Hell, December is early, right? Jeez) may be seen by the end of the year! You guys have no idea how hard it has been for me to not play Dead Rising and Gears of War, not to mention the anticipation of Blue Dragon and Beautiful Katamari that has been making me lose sleep at night. Now it seems that this fantasy is becoming a reality. Good thing, now I don’t have to hunt down Bill Gates and force him to create for me a custom 360 that will automatically put his bank account on hold if it ever crashes. Yet.

“I never wanted this
I never dreamed of this
For you there`s no return
And I`m sorry I can`t change it
As you roam deep inside the twilight
And look back at me
What do you see
The bitter man”
- Susperia, The Bitter Man