While playing Final Fantasy X, I thought of a question I’d like to ask Square (or whatever the hell they are calling themselves today. Maybe SquareStationEnixUltimaPostEA); when did you guys decide that spiky haired, angsty adolescents would make good substitutes for real heroes? Is this where we are going? I thought heroes were supposed to be brave. Sure, it’s okay to have some moments of doubt and hopelessness in the story, but if those become the primary character traits, then we are left to wonder why this person has bothered to set out to save the world at all. Why don’t we find someone who won’t complain every time a small obstacle gets in the way? I don’t remember Cecil bitching and moaning when Kain was turned by Goblez; he was upset for a moment, and then went right back to laying the smack down. We didn’t need to hear about how distraught he was, and how he could “never go on” from there. He grabbed his sword, rallied the troops and put the greaves to the baddies.
On the flip side, could Tidus be any whineier? Here’s a tip for good story telling; if the main character is too reluctant, rewrite his part! And why the hell is he so cocky in his battle speeches and so unsure of himself everywhere else in the story? It’s like they wrote the battle parts with Tidus being arrogant and cocksure, and then decided to write the story with him being a total wuss who can’t get over the fact that daddy didn’t love him. I don’t blame Jecht, either. If I was Tidus’ dad I would have kicked his ass until he stopped bitching or died. Either would have been better then dealing with that little shit stain. Everything upsets this kid. If you don’t want to face the possibility of watching your friends die, then maybe you shouldn’t go out and fight GIANT FREAKING MONSTERS. And when the girl you like is getting ready to give her life to save the world, it’s okay to be a little sad, but doesn’t try to talk her out of it! What good is it for her not to save the world? Then you’ll BOTH be dead (granted there were plenty of moments where I wished they would BOTH die and Auron and Lulu would take over and kick the shit out of the rest of the game).
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying that games shouldn’t have a lot of story and character development, but let’s keep it believable. Hell, I played (or read, mostly) 80 hours of Xenogears, and NEVER felt bored. That game had a GREAT, multi-faceted story with terrific characters I could really get behind. Fei was a total badass, and his troubled past only made him more likeable (the Id scenes were some of my favorites). If anything, I want to see even more emphasis of story, with richer and more 3-dimensional characters. I don’t mind sitting through a 20 minute cutscene in Metal Gear Solid, and if the main characters in FFX weren’t such insufferable emotional basket cases, I probably wouldn’t have minded there, either. But this was not the case. Instead, we were treated to a display that would make the world’s most understanding psychologist jump up and say “STOP YOUR COMPLAINING YOU WHINIEY LITTLE BASTARD! SHE HAS TO SAVE THE GODDAMN WORLD.”
It seems like ever since SquareSoft (that’s how I like to remember them) choose to try merging with everyone and their brother this has been the path they’ve been on. Hey, Chrono had spiky hair, too, but he picked the “strong, silent” path. I don’t even think Cloud was as bad as the poor excuses for heroes we’re stuck with today. It must be a symptom of the “Emo Disease” that been plaguing our fair populace as of late. This obsession with “emotion,” which really just seems to deal with be depressed and writing shitty poetry, makes me glad I am capable of expressing my anger without breaking down into a sobbing wreck. Hey, I’m emotional, too, I just prefer the emotions of “anger” and “joy” over “uncontrollable crying over stuff I can’t change or things that are not so bad but scar me terribly.” Okay, maybe I DO get angry about things I can’t change, but I don’t cry over it.
The problem is we keep buying this stuff because it’s Square. The gameplay is still standard-setting, even if they story is god-awful and the characters need a testosterone injection. But sometimes gameplay isn’t enough to take you to the end. My friend Sam told me he had stopped playing Final Fantasy XII a little while ago. When I asked him why, he said it was because after about 70 hours, he asked himself, ‘what am I doing?’ Nothing in the story was keeping him caring about why the characters would want to save the world in the game, or why it was really worth saving in the first place. That seems to be the norm in a lot of RPG’s these days; the battle systems and item collection are still engaging and innovative, but our motivation is gone when the story isn’t interesting. Hell, in FFX I ended up preferring the itea of Sin destroying the world, at least then the bitching people would be gone. Auron would be willing to take one for the team, I’m sure. He ended up kicking ass in Hades, anyway. Of course, it was with another spiky haired kid, but Sora was less of a coward then Tidus, at about half the age. Still not ideal world-saving material, but better than Tidus.
The disease has spread to characters that aren’t total tools, too, in the form of appearance. Look at the super-metro hair of Leon Kennedy, or Dante. Where do these guys have time to color and style their hair when hordes of demon creatures are breathing down their necks? They might as well at a preening mini-game where you have to comb their hair “just right” if you want to get the ‘S’ ranking for ‘Style’ at the end of a level. Jeez. It’s one thing to look cool, but this is getting ridiculous. Highlights? You gotta be kidding me.
Now Kratos, there’s a hero (and I’m not just saying that because he could be my twin brother). Bald head, goatee, loincloth, this guy is the perfect image of a hero. Not to mention the fact that he disembowels, beheads and rips apart all of his opposition. This is the kind of action we need to have more of in games. Kratos has got a totally messed up back story, and he never complains about it, it just makes him more brutal, the way it should be.
I just love the classic, strong and brave characters. Classical heroes like Heracles and Odysseus, and more modern ones like Aragorn and Batman. They aren’t perfect; they are quite human, but they fight for what is good and true, regardless of consequences. That is the kind of character that I want to see more of in games today. We don’t need to completely rewrite the book on epic action. We can evolve it, but some tried and true characteristics need not to be tampered with. If we need something new, there is always the anti-hero, but we don’t need the none-hero that seems so popular these days. That just propagates the idea that true heroes are dead, and I’m not ready to believe that just yet. Anyone else with me?
“Old prophet's land -a battlefield - Of non-believers in a violent rage - A declaration of human rights a pretext - For maintenance of a new world order - Above all written laws a growth concept - Created by the patriot of the civilized world… Heroes to us.”
-Heroes to Us, Kalmah
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Go, Leximon! Use a Lawsuit Attack!
The latest and breaking-est news last week is that people who run video game companies are really good at pissing people off; Midway (Mortal Kombat and, uh, other stuff), Epic Games (Unreal Gears of Tournament War Engine 3) and Microsoft (X-Boxicus CCCLX) have been hit with lawsuits for alleged dickery (alleged, as you all know, is a synonym for "blatant yet unproved" in the eyes of the fair warriors of the law. The Lexibellators, if you will). My first reaction, of course, was, "wait, what the hell did Epic do?" What indeed...
Apparently, besides making fancy ways for us to gib each other on the PC and X-Box 360, Epic makes this fancy schmancy "Unreal Engine" thing, which is supposed to make blow-your-eyes-out-your-asshole graphics readily accessible to the common developer. For an example, check out Gears of War, which is purportedly amazing if one is to believe the stories I hear, told by awed, eyeless survivors as their lifeblood leaks from their nether-regions. Gears of War was Epic's cleverly programmed product advertisement, geared to show off the Real Ultimate Power of the Unreal Engine. Success came overwhelmingly quickly, with everyone and their mom licensing the engine so as to avoid having to deal with this generation's multi-threaded parallel processing power--better known as a lazy programmer's second-worst nightmare. Even EA licensed it, and they can actually afford to just buy Epic outright. I found imagining the Empire signing a contract to buy X-wings from the Rebellion after the first Death Star blows up to be an inadequate analogy for of just how big the licensees for this Unreal TechnologyTM are; unfortunately for this piece, my brain threatened judicial action of its own had I kept trying to capture the scope of it all.
On the other side of the lawsuit is a licensor of said imaginary code, one pissed-off company that says that Epic delivered much less than it promised--which, if you're following along, doesn't sound that surprising given the Unreal nature of the graphics purported to come from this Engine. Harsh realities aside, the guys who are making that "Excessively Human" (don't mention the game by name, the head guy at Silicon Knights will shit on your face for dissing it), are right proper pissed because they feel right proper fucked. Epic, meanwhile, doesn't really have time to say anything to these guys because they're busy making sure their engine works for their other clients: CAPCOM, SONY, Electronic Arts, SEGA, and SquareENIX. Right now, they've gotta be thinking "Silicon Knights? Who the fuck is Silicon Knights? Can we buy them with this fat stack of cash? Is Cliffy B gonna have to choke a bitch?"
The answer is no. SK seems to have stumbled across a real issue in their attempt to get their money pit game out to the masses: Epic has stretched themselves too thin to provide real support for angry Canadian game developers who somehow procured over 80 million dollars to spend on a single game. I'm sure all the big name companies are loving the service, and if blowjobs were involved, I would feel surprised at Epic's restraint. If SK wanted their BJ's, they should have forked over a lot more money. Instead, they not only dumped the engine in favor of an in-house graphics thingy, but they want their money back, presumably for the steady supply of anal bees [true story, not a typo! Ed] they require to keep founder/president/head face-biter Denis Dyack running on rage. Image is important, you know.
Now faced with a lawsuit pointing out the flaws in their product in excruciating detail, Epic is either going to require a good PR manager or a mighty lawyer, lest they lose the funds they require to keep their corporate mascots in hair gel and metro outfits. I recommend making one using their Unreal Engine; if their product is as good as they say it is, it should have no problem generating a champion from the æther. Truly, if Gears of War is but one possible outcome, some kind of giant Roman Warrior mascot that eats bad press and shits opening and closing statements is well withing the realm of Unreality.
Hell, I'd pay to see that.
-SñrC
The worst nightmare, you ask? Aye, 'tis a secret closely guarded by the ACM, who will kill anyone foolish enough to reveal it. I can but say that Mountain Dew, two ducks, Uwe Boll, four pounds of quince fruit, and a rutabaga may be involved.
Apparently, besides making fancy ways for us to gib each other on the PC and X-Box 360, Epic makes this fancy schmancy "Unreal Engine" thing, which is supposed to make blow-your-eyes-out-your-asshole graphics readily accessible to the common developer. For an example, check out Gears of War, which is purportedly amazing if one is to believe the stories I hear, told by awed, eyeless survivors as their lifeblood leaks from their nether-regions. Gears of War was Epic's cleverly programmed product advertisement, geared to show off the Real Ultimate Power of the Unreal Engine. Success came overwhelmingly quickly, with everyone and their mom licensing the engine so as to avoid having to deal with this generation's multi-threaded parallel processing power--better known as a lazy programmer's second-worst nightmare. Even EA licensed it, and they can actually afford to just buy Epic outright. I found imagining the Empire signing a contract to buy X-wings from the Rebellion after the first Death Star blows up to be an inadequate analogy for of just how big the licensees for this Unreal TechnologyTM are; unfortunately for this piece, my brain threatened judicial action of its own had I kept trying to capture the scope of it all.
On the other side of the lawsuit is a licensor of said imaginary code, one pissed-off company that says that Epic delivered much less than it promised--which, if you're following along, doesn't sound that surprising given the Unreal nature of the graphics purported to come from this Engine. Harsh realities aside, the guys who are making that "Excessively Human" (don't mention the game by name, the head guy at Silicon Knights will shit on your face for dissing it), are right proper pissed because they feel right proper fucked. Epic, meanwhile, doesn't really have time to say anything to these guys because they're busy making sure their engine works for their other clients: CAPCOM, SONY, Electronic Arts, SEGA, and SquareENIX. Right now, they've gotta be thinking "Silicon Knights? Who the fuck is Silicon Knights? Can we buy them with this fat stack of cash? Is Cliffy B gonna have to choke a bitch?"
The answer is no. SK seems to have stumbled across a real issue in their attempt to get their money pit game out to the masses: Epic has stretched themselves too thin to provide real support for angry Canadian game developers who somehow procured over 80 million dollars to spend on a single game. I'm sure all the big name companies are loving the service, and if blowjobs were involved, I would feel surprised at Epic's restraint. If SK wanted their BJ's, they should have forked over a lot more money. Instead, they not only dumped the engine in favor of an in-house graphics thingy, but they want their money back, presumably for the steady supply of anal bees [true story, not a typo! Ed] they require to keep founder/president/head face-biter Denis Dyack running on rage. Image is important, you know.
Now faced with a lawsuit pointing out the flaws in their product in excruciating detail, Epic is either going to require a good PR manager or a mighty lawyer, lest they lose the funds they require to keep their corporate mascots in hair gel and metro outfits. I recommend making one using their Unreal Engine; if their product is as good as they say it is, it should have no problem generating a champion from the æther. Truly, if Gears of War is but one possible outcome, some kind of giant Roman Warrior mascot that eats bad press and shits opening and closing statements is well withing the realm of Unreality.
Hell, I'd pay to see that.
-SñrC
The worst nightmare, you ask? Aye, 'tis a secret closely guarded by the ACM, who will kill anyone foolish enough to reveal it. I can but say that Mountain Dew, two ducks, Uwe Boll, four pounds of quince fruit, and a rutabaga may be involved.
Monday, July 23, 2007
It's not normal anger, it's ANGERGY!
I am still in a state of awe. No, not over Starbuck’s announced price jacking (by the way, to a good number of Americans 9 cents a cup equals $32.85 annually, and for programmers it’s $1,642.50 a year), and it certainly isn’t concerning Michael Vick being ordered not to attend NFL camp (I hate baseball anyway). No my friends, my unbridled shock is over what might be the worst crime ever committed on our fair populace; the price of Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80’s.
Now, I’ve felt shafted (raped, really) by the gaming industry before, but this takes the pie! 50 GODDAMN DOLLARS U.S.! How fucking stupid do they know we are? Last time I checked, $50 takes me approximately 97.4 hours of labor to earn at my current wage (which is $squat, by the way). Granted I have paid $50 for games far worse than Encore, but it’s the unmitigated gall that RedOctane has to charge this much more for half a game. Seriously, Guitar Hero was $50 (without guitar, of course, not like anyone in their right mind bought it that way. It would be like a man with no arms buying porn), and you got the same amount of regular songs, plus bonus songs, a full cast of characters and unlockables. GH2 raised the bar with even more songs and bonus. And now they want us to pay the same price for a few songs from an era most of us want to forget? JEEZ!
Don’t get me wrong, I like the set list okay. Hopefully they didn’t ruin this Iron Maiden song, and Anthrax being back is a major plus. And Heat of the Moment will provide some great moments in Eric Cartman Impersonation History. But seriously, we are talking $1.666 (note the number? THOSE SATANISTS!) a damn song! What do they think this is, Xbox Live? I was pissed enough at the downloading cost for the 360 version, but I figured it was a confined incident, like a bad joke on people who don’t own the original. But I was wrong! This has spread into an epidemic! A modern bubonic plague!
At first this mockery of Rockdom was considered an “expansion.” Sure, a little steep at $40 (though I swear the first announced price was $30) but not too bad if they had included a little ‘sugar’ (say, some bonus songs?) to the mix. Of course, they had to take my dreams and kick them down a flight of stairs at the Reality Sucks Building. They want this to be a stand-alone game? GREAT! So give us as much content as the other STAND ALONE GAMES in the series. The singer is still wearing the same jersey shirt of Christ’s sake! Can you imagine how that thing must smell? And our characters get, what, some spandex and boas? Whupdee-fuckin’-do.
And just guess what the worst thing about all this is? WE ARE GOING TO BUY THE PIECE OF SHIT! That’s right, every last one of us will show what idiots we are and buy the damn thing. Why, you ask? Because it’s GUITAR HERO! Like there was ever a question. God I hate them. If they were not complete bastards they would have at least given us the extra songs from the 360, but NOOOO. Then we wouldn’t buy THAT, now would we? Fascists.
In other news that pisses me off, Hellgate: London and it’s “paying monthly makes you better” system. Boy, isn’t that something? It’s not an MMO. It’s a regular game. You just get, you know, MORE if you KEEP PAYING! What a novel concept; the AMMO; Almost Massively Multiplayer Online game. Shit, I hope someone contacts me to the rights for that acronym. Maybe then I could afford to actually become Elite.
Now I’ve started considering ways to make some extra cash for games. I mean, my non-vital internal organs are limited, and I hear the sperm bank only pays you when someone uses your sample, so I’ve got it down to a couple options. I could become a notorious train robber, or get a real job. Since banditting is so 1800’s, I guess the latter, though decidedly less exciting, option is best. Shit.
Oh well. I guess it was bound to happen at some point. Too bad it was while I was still so young. Another wasted life. At least I’ll be able to keep up the habit this way. Maybe that PS3 isn’t so far away.
*UPDATE* There is still justice in this world! While finishing this post, I was given a small bit of salvation. A certain major retailer that I won’t name, but whose primary colors are blue and yellow, are offering a special on Guitar Hero Encore. That’s right, they must of heard all my bitching, because they are offering free shipping, a wristband (hurray, I guess?) a $15 gift card, and best of all… the $40 price tag! Now I don’t like to support this unnamed company, and this certainly doesn’t bode too well for the “little guys”(little, yeah right) in the video game retail market, but I am a shameless prick with no morals, so I took full advantage of this opportunity. Besides, I’m broke. And since my order is already in, I give you all permission to exploit this offer. Come on, we deserve to be corporate whores every once and a while.
“Why don't you listen to me when I try to talk to you
Stop thinking of yourself, for just a second fool
Shut up, shut up, I don't wanna hear your mouth
Your mother made a monster, now get the hell out of my house”
-Anthrax, “Caught in a Mosh”
Now, I’ve felt shafted (raped, really) by the gaming industry before, but this takes the pie! 50 GODDAMN DOLLARS U.S.! How fucking stupid do they know we are? Last time I checked, $50 takes me approximately 97.4 hours of labor to earn at my current wage (which is $squat, by the way). Granted I have paid $50 for games far worse than Encore, but it’s the unmitigated gall that RedOctane has to charge this much more for half a game. Seriously, Guitar Hero was $50 (without guitar, of course, not like anyone in their right mind bought it that way. It would be like a man with no arms buying porn), and you got the same amount of regular songs, plus bonus songs, a full cast of characters and unlockables. GH2 raised the bar with even more songs and bonus. And now they want us to pay the same price for a few songs from an era most of us want to forget? JEEZ!
Don’t get me wrong, I like the set list okay. Hopefully they didn’t ruin this Iron Maiden song, and Anthrax being back is a major plus. And Heat of the Moment will provide some great moments in Eric Cartman Impersonation History. But seriously, we are talking $1.666 (note the number? THOSE SATANISTS!) a damn song! What do they think this is, Xbox Live? I was pissed enough at the downloading cost for the 360 version, but I figured it was a confined incident, like a bad joke on people who don’t own the original. But I was wrong! This has spread into an epidemic! A modern bubonic plague!
At first this mockery of Rockdom was considered an “expansion.” Sure, a little steep at $40 (though I swear the first announced price was $30) but not too bad if they had included a little ‘sugar’ (say, some bonus songs?) to the mix. Of course, they had to take my dreams and kick them down a flight of stairs at the Reality Sucks Building. They want this to be a stand-alone game? GREAT! So give us as much content as the other STAND ALONE GAMES in the series. The singer is still wearing the same jersey shirt of Christ’s sake! Can you imagine how that thing must smell? And our characters get, what, some spandex and boas? Whupdee-fuckin’-do.
And just guess what the worst thing about all this is? WE ARE GOING TO BUY THE PIECE OF SHIT! That’s right, every last one of us will show what idiots we are and buy the damn thing. Why, you ask? Because it’s GUITAR HERO! Like there was ever a question. God I hate them. If they were not complete bastards they would have at least given us the extra songs from the 360, but NOOOO. Then we wouldn’t buy THAT, now would we? Fascists.
In other news that pisses me off, Hellgate: London and it’s “paying monthly makes you better” system. Boy, isn’t that something? It’s not an MMO. It’s a regular game. You just get, you know, MORE if you KEEP PAYING! What a novel concept; the AMMO; Almost Massively Multiplayer Online game. Shit, I hope someone contacts me to the rights for that acronym. Maybe then I could afford to actually become Elite.
Now I’ve started considering ways to make some extra cash for games. I mean, my non-vital internal organs are limited, and I hear the sperm bank only pays you when someone uses your sample, so I’ve got it down to a couple options. I could become a notorious train robber, or get a real job. Since banditting is so 1800’s, I guess the latter, though decidedly less exciting, option is best. Shit.
Oh well. I guess it was bound to happen at some point. Too bad it was while I was still so young. Another wasted life. At least I’ll be able to keep up the habit this way. Maybe that PS3 isn’t so far away.
*UPDATE* There is still justice in this world! While finishing this post, I was given a small bit of salvation. A certain major retailer that I won’t name, but whose primary colors are blue and yellow, are offering a special on Guitar Hero Encore. That’s right, they must of heard all my bitching, because they are offering free shipping, a wristband (hurray, I guess?) a $15 gift card, and best of all… the $40 price tag! Now I don’t like to support this unnamed company, and this certainly doesn’t bode too well for the “little guys”(little, yeah right) in the video game retail market, but I am a shameless prick with no morals, so I took full advantage of this opportunity. Besides, I’m broke. And since my order is already in, I give you all permission to exploit this offer. Come on, we deserve to be corporate whores every once and a while.
“Why don't you listen to me when I try to talk to you
Stop thinking of yourself, for just a second fool
Shut up, shut up, I don't wanna hear your mouth
Your mother made a monster, now get the hell out of my house”
-Anthrax, “Caught in a Mosh”
Thursday, July 19, 2007
In Which Nature Makes the Consequences of My Actions Immediately Apparent
As the proud owner of a brand-used PS-surii, I ended up assuming quite a bit. For example, I assumed that when one pays $LEG99 for what essentially amounts to a specialized computer from the Pentium Xeon era, one should receive what we in the buying stuff business like to call value from one's purchase. See, I like potential as much as the next guy, but even I know that potential is a totally worthless thing until it becomes reality. Remember, it's not the fall but the ground that kills you, and until said ground kills you, a fall will barely do more than mess up your hair. With this concept in mind, I approached the PS3 expecting an upgrade to the PS2 in every way, just like how the PS2 had made the PS1--one? X? I never really quite bothered to find out what the proper acronym for the original was--obsolete for all official uses. At the very least, I figured that if I didn't like/couldn't afford the current new-fangled graphical pleasures that were available, I could plug my old stuff in and run with it, just like when I got the PS2 and promptly beat Metal Gear Solid again. You know, value.
Long story short, I bought a PS2->PS3 controller adapter, marveled at all of the functions it advertised, and promptly threw it through the ceiling approximately 3.4 seconds after reading the instructions for making Guitar Hero work with it. Basically, it doesn't. Or, it does, but you can't hammer, pull, whammy, or go vertical for Star Power. So it doesn't, and whoever this "Pelican" company is, it's full of dirty, dirty liars. It says on the package, "works with Guitar Hero 1 and 2!". Dirty lying package of lies.
As a side note, have any of you ever done roofing during a lightning storm? How do you get the static out of your pubes? My boxers are uncomfortably energetic, yet somehow relaxing.
So after I got the stupid dongle out of the neighbor's prized petunias, I settled down to play me some Odin Sphere, which still rules. Guitar Hero? Screw that, it's one game and still works on my PS2, Todd. Todd's exploited anyhow, so it's not like he was ever getting removed from the gaming setup. Odin Sphere, on the other hand, only requires a controller and a healthy awesomeness tolerance level, lest your brain become an unusable husk of protein. I know my fancy new wireless controller didn't have rumble anywhere, so I plugged my dual shock into Thundercles (my PS3) and settled in for some sheep harvesting.
Now, in my defense, I'm a programmer and an engineer, spawned from the union of an engineer and an Undead Hispanic Lord from the 1500's. I not only know how hard it is to program a software/hardware interface, I know how to do it right and lose my temper with the stupid and the lazy who insist on doing it wrong. I was born this way, so without Alzheimer's or marijuana, there wasn't much chance of me developing tolerance or ignorance. So understand that there are specific parts of my body set aside for the express purpose of performing certain actions, and they jump at pretty much any chance they get to exercise my heritage.
When I told the store that the dongle they sold me didn't work, they let me return it, since it had long since stopped doing anything after the thirteenth attempt at rewiring ended in Gorilla Glue and concealing paint. They almost forced me to buy another one, but all of their dongles mysteriously disappeared while they weren't looking. One of the clerks wondered aloud a the faint smell of burning plastic and soldering, but tragically fell dead to a heart attack. It was a sad scene, let me tell you. So sad. Almost as sad as my goddamn rumbling controllers that have rumble built into them and rumble pretty much on goddamn command not goddamn rumbling when plugged into the PS3! Backwards compatible? Backwards Compatible!?! BACKWARDS COMPATIBLE MY F-
And another thing! When you can't make best-selling games work on your newest device because your heads are so far up your urethrae that you can't figure out how to make one stupid controller interact properly with your system, you lose your right to live and gain the duty to suck my-
Ahem.
Ok, so even though pretty much every single PS1 and 2 game will load in the PS3, none of the controllers actually work, for whatever reason (*cough*urethrae*cough*). Sure, the analog functions work, but all the dongle does is turn a perfectly good controller into a non-motion-sensing, non-wireless SIXAXIS. And even though I hear rumor of rumble's return to the PS3, I can't do that right now, despite the amount of money I paid. This leaves me in the unenviable position of having to wait for future firmware updates to fix everything I hate about Thundercles, my protein-folding, watt-hour sucking paperweight. This is why I always wait at least a year to adopt new gaming hardware, and I curse Sony for forcing my hand and making me taste bitter disappointment. I'll get you for this, Sony. You'll see. Without rumble, you'll never even feel the horde coming until it's too late.
You know, having a father actually be from hell does have perks.
:SñrC
Pictures stolen from:
http://www.mbi.ufl.edu/~vetneuro/kitten-1.jpg off of
http://express.7.forumer.com/a/share-pictures-of-kittens-and-talk-about-kittens-and-stuff_post1638.html
http://www.poppyspetcare.co.uk/
Jokes stolen from:
Freakazoid
Souls stolen from:
David Blevins
Parker Wanless
Jessica Kavanah
They will not be missed.
Long story short, I bought a PS2->PS3 controller adapter, marveled at all of the functions it advertised, and promptly threw it through the ceiling approximately 3.4 seconds after reading the instructions for making Guitar Hero work with it. Basically, it doesn't. Or, it does, but you can't hammer, pull, whammy, or go vertical for Star Power. So it doesn't, and whoever this "Pelican" company is, it's full of dirty, dirty liars. It says on the package, "works with Guitar Hero 1 and 2!". Dirty lying package of lies.
As a side note, have any of you ever done roofing during a lightning storm? How do you get the static out of your pubes? My boxers are uncomfortably energetic, yet somehow relaxing.
So after I got the stupid dongle out of the neighbor's prized petunias, I settled down to play me some Odin Sphere, which still rules. Guitar Hero? Screw that, it's one game and still works on my PS2, Todd. Todd's exploited anyhow, so it's not like he was ever getting removed from the gaming setup. Odin Sphere, on the other hand, only requires a controller and a healthy awesomeness tolerance level, lest your brain become an unusable husk of protein. I know my fancy new wireless controller didn't have rumble anywhere, so I plugged my dual shock into Thundercles (my PS3) and settled in for some sheep harvesting.
Now, in my defense, I'm a programmer and an engineer, spawned from the union of an engineer and an Undead Hispanic Lord from the 1500's. I not only know how hard it is to program a software/hardware interface, I know how to do it right and lose my temper with the stupid and the lazy who insist on doing it wrong. I was born this way, so without Alzheimer's or marijuana, there wasn't much chance of me developing tolerance or ignorance. So understand that there are specific parts of my body set aside for the express purpose of performing certain actions, and they jump at pretty much any chance they get to exercise my heritage.
When I told the store that the dongle they sold me didn't work, they let me return it, since it had long since stopped doing anything after the thirteenth attempt at rewiring ended in Gorilla Glue and concealing paint. They almost forced me to buy another one, but all of their dongles mysteriously disappeared while they weren't looking. One of the clerks wondered aloud a the faint smell of burning plastic and soldering, but tragically fell dead to a heart attack. It was a sad scene, let me tell you. So sad. Almost as sad as my goddamn rumbling controllers that have rumble built into them and rumble pretty much on goddamn command not goddamn rumbling when plugged into the PS3! Backwards compatible? Backwards Compatible!?! BACKWARDS COMPATIBLE MY F-
And another thing! When you can't make best-selling games work on your newest device because your heads are so far up your urethrae that you can't figure out how to make one stupid controller interact properly with your system, you lose your right to live and gain the duty to suck my-
Ahem.
Ok, so even though pretty much every single PS1 and 2 game will load in the PS3, none of the controllers actually work, for whatever reason (*cough*urethrae*cough*). Sure, the analog functions work, but all the dongle does is turn a perfectly good controller into a non-motion-sensing, non-wireless SIXAXIS. And even though I hear rumor of rumble's return to the PS3, I can't do that right now, despite the amount of money I paid. This leaves me in the unenviable position of having to wait for future firmware updates to fix everything I hate about Thundercles, my protein-folding, watt-hour sucking paperweight. This is why I always wait at least a year to adopt new gaming hardware, and I curse Sony for forcing my hand and making me taste bitter disappointment. I'll get you for this, Sony. You'll see. Without rumble, you'll never even feel the horde coming until it's too late.
You know, having a father actually be from hell does have perks.
:SñrC
Pictures stolen from:
http://www.mbi.ufl.edu/~vetneuro/kitten-1.jpg off of
http://express.7.forumer.com/a/share-pictures-of-kittens-and-talk-about-kittens-and-stuff_post1638.html
http://www.poppyspetcare.co.uk/
Jokes stolen from:
Freakazoid
Souls stolen from:
David Blevins
Parker Wanless
Jessica Kavanah
They will not be missed.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news...
Why is it that with video games, good news must always come with bad news? It’s nothing new, like a “sequel” to Chrono Trigger that really ISN’T a sequel to Chrono Trigger. Or a new Metal Gear where Snake isn’t the main character (though I do not consider myself a Raiden HATER, I was still quite disappointed). We gamers should be used to these kinds of things. But it always hurts. I mean, don’t they LISTEN to us? Do they THINK about what they’re doing?
Case in point; the ‘new’ PS3. The 80 gig model. Now, I am fine with this in essence. I’m always a fan of more memory; it means more stuff, and more stuff is pretty much the goal we all share. My problem is what we are LOSING, and that is our emulation hardware. Why? Why take out something in an “improved” model? Why must we forsake hardware for software? Who decided that this was a good idea? They obviously didn’t ask us, the gamers, because we would have given an emphatic “NO!”
Take a look at the Xbox 360 for example. I loved my Xbox ‘til the day my hard drive decided to commit seppuku, so when I heard about the 360, I figured I could resurrect some of my favorite games (I missed the lovely shanking in Riddick, and committing the best unspeakable acts in Fable), but when I heard that only a handful of the original Xbox games would be playable, the scream probably registered on the Richter scale a few countries over. This of course wasn’t improved at all when news came out about the 360 blowing more smoke than a college dorm hotbox, but that’s another article. The point is I wish Sony had learned from Microsoft’s mistake. Now I have to scrounge up enough capital to acquire Sony’s marketing nightmare before the now-invaluable 60 gig model sells out. Damn Sony’s development team to hell!
On a slightly well gripe-laden note, Metal Gear Solid 4 has yet to deflate my expectations. It seems that if only one thing is consistent in gaming, it’s Hideo Kojima’s ability to create one hell of a story. I can only imagine what twists and turns are yet to be found in the bizarre geo-political world of Metal Gear, though we can certainly expect a fair share of back stabbing, side dealing and more trickery than the newest Harry Potter book. In fact, with Rock Band shredding onto the 360, MGS4 is one on a very short list of exclusives for the PS3 that is actually keep me interested in Sony’s money trap. Folklore looks pretty sweet, too.
Of course, we are still early in the PS3’s lifespan, and my brother maintains that it will leap ahead at some point. While I am still not fully convinced, what with developer’s seeming inability to create games solely for the PS3 if they hope to make any money, I retain a bit of optimism that it will at least become a fair contender to the current forerunners at Nintendo and Microsoft. I try not to fall into any of the legions of whiners bitching about the quality or merits of any given system; I’m a gamer, dammit! The only thing I care about is quality of games, not who’s behind the console they are played on, or any specific gripe with any company for a stupid, childish reason.
Even the term “fan boy” bothers me. It shows that we cannot even create a semi-peaceful community of gamers. It seems to me that we should not bicker and argue over each other’s opinion of certain games and consoles. Why should we waste time fighting over what games we like that others do not, or vice versa? It exhibits an immaturity that should be left to lawyers and politician, not the video game loving hordes. Believe me, Señor Conquistador loves some games I could never figure out the appeal of, but we don’t get on each other’s case about it. That’s reserved for more important matters, like how dare I waste money on a BOOK when I could spend it on video games? Now THERE is a good reason to fight!
Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not opposed to civil discussion of what makes a great game and why, and any differences of opinion therein. It’s the fact that we can’t seem to be adults about it. Or maybe bickering IS the adult way, sometimes I’m not sure. The truth is, nothing would make me happier than if people would stop getting into battles over these things, and could begin working towards a better future for the gaming community, but I am a hopeless romantic. Yet, maybe someday I will be appeased. Perhaps a new level of consciousness will be found, where growth will be accepted and change will be welcomed instead of feared. Heh, we’ll see.
In the meantime, let us revel in the barrage of great things to come. I’m excited, and I hope you are to. I may be a little behind the “next gen” right now (well, I DO have a Wii, and love it so) but I plan to catch up soon. Hopefully, Microsoft will get that improved chip into the 360 soon so I can finally play Dead Rising and Gears of War in the comfort of my own home. There are a lot of zombies that need whacking and aliens that need their asses kicked. May you all join me in the festivities.
"Egoism dictates human relations
A world where fashion outshines morality
Here success is written in blood-red colours
Designed by the thirst for power
Gather the faithful and propose a toast
To the epoch of indifference
An all to ordinary story"
-In Flames
Case in point; the ‘new’ PS3. The 80 gig model. Now, I am fine with this in essence. I’m always a fan of more memory; it means more stuff, and more stuff is pretty much the goal we all share. My problem is what we are LOSING, and that is our emulation hardware. Why? Why take out something in an “improved” model? Why must we forsake hardware for software? Who decided that this was a good idea? They obviously didn’t ask us, the gamers, because we would have given an emphatic “NO!”
Take a look at the Xbox 360 for example. I loved my Xbox ‘til the day my hard drive decided to commit seppuku, so when I heard about the 360, I figured I could resurrect some of my favorite games (I missed the lovely shanking in Riddick, and committing the best unspeakable acts in Fable), but when I heard that only a handful of the original Xbox games would be playable, the scream probably registered on the Richter scale a few countries over. This of course wasn’t improved at all when news came out about the 360 blowing more smoke than a college dorm hotbox, but that’s another article. The point is I wish Sony had learned from Microsoft’s mistake. Now I have to scrounge up enough capital to acquire Sony’s marketing nightmare before the now-invaluable 60 gig model sells out. Damn Sony’s development team to hell!
On a slightly well gripe-laden note, Metal Gear Solid 4 has yet to deflate my expectations. It seems that if only one thing is consistent in gaming, it’s Hideo Kojima’s ability to create one hell of a story. I can only imagine what twists and turns are yet to be found in the bizarre geo-political world of Metal Gear, though we can certainly expect a fair share of back stabbing, side dealing and more trickery than the newest Harry Potter book. In fact, with Rock Band shredding onto the 360, MGS4 is one on a very short list of exclusives for the PS3 that is actually keep me interested in Sony’s money trap. Folklore looks pretty sweet, too.
Of course, we are still early in the PS3’s lifespan, and my brother maintains that it will leap ahead at some point. While I am still not fully convinced, what with developer’s seeming inability to create games solely for the PS3 if they hope to make any money, I retain a bit of optimism that it will at least become a fair contender to the current forerunners at Nintendo and Microsoft. I try not to fall into any of the legions of whiners bitching about the quality or merits of any given system; I’m a gamer, dammit! The only thing I care about is quality of games, not who’s behind the console they are played on, or any specific gripe with any company for a stupid, childish reason.
Even the term “fan boy” bothers me. It shows that we cannot even create a semi-peaceful community of gamers. It seems to me that we should not bicker and argue over each other’s opinion of certain games and consoles. Why should we waste time fighting over what games we like that others do not, or vice versa? It exhibits an immaturity that should be left to lawyers and politician, not the video game loving hordes. Believe me, Señor Conquistador loves some games I could never figure out the appeal of, but we don’t get on each other’s case about it. That’s reserved for more important matters, like how dare I waste money on a BOOK when I could spend it on video games? Now THERE is a good reason to fight!
Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not opposed to civil discussion of what makes a great game and why, and any differences of opinion therein. It’s the fact that we can’t seem to be adults about it. Or maybe bickering IS the adult way, sometimes I’m not sure. The truth is, nothing would make me happier than if people would stop getting into battles over these things, and could begin working towards a better future for the gaming community, but I am a hopeless romantic. Yet, maybe someday I will be appeased. Perhaps a new level of consciousness will be found, where growth will be accepted and change will be welcomed instead of feared. Heh, we’ll see.
In the meantime, let us revel in the barrage of great things to come. I’m excited, and I hope you are to. I may be a little behind the “next gen” right now (well, I DO have a Wii, and love it so) but I plan to catch up soon. Hopefully, Microsoft will get that improved chip into the 360 soon so I can finally play Dead Rising and Gears of War in the comfort of my own home. There are a lot of zombies that need whacking and aliens that need their asses kicked. May you all join me in the festivities.
"Egoism dictates human relations
A world where fashion outshines morality
Here success is written in blood-red colours
Designed by the thirst for power
Gather the faithful and propose a toast
To the epoch of indifference
An all to ordinary story"
-In Flames
Monday, July 16, 2007
Bitterness is a symptom of Awesomeness
Well I’m glad to hear Señor Conquistador got a PS3. He's having fun playing… well, NOTHING yet! Ha! (Deep down inside I’m really just jealous.) Now I have to drive 5 hours to Nowheresville (population: S.C. and Jane) just to play Rock Band when it comes out. Or max out another credit card and get the $800+ (still not sure if it includes 1 or 2 guitars) behemoth of video game rocktatude myself. I need a new job.
Honestly, I’d say between work, school, updating the 5th Stage and the plethora of amazing looking games on the way, I’m not going to have any time for life’s simple pleasures, like bathing or changing clothes. I hope these camo shorts hold up. I guess it’s a good thing I had training for this that summer that I lived in a basement and played PSOne, NES and Sega Master System games for 3 straight months. Thank the gods for food delivery people, or we probably would have starved. And of course, we had a few outdoor barbeques, but we just brought the TVs and consoles outside for those, too. Oh, the good ol’ days.
These days, though, I am forced into virtual slavery; can you believe I am expected to pay for my OWN video games and food? I mean, seriously, what kind of communist society are we living in? How am I supposed to play all these 80+ hour RPGs, and still have time for action, adventure, first person shooter, puzzle and rock god simulators with this kind of schedule? I thought this was America! The land of laziness! What went wrong?
I’ll say one thing, all the censorship isn’t helping my plight. I can’t believe they are trying to stop the release of Manhunt 2. What, a little shanking isn’t acceptable in our society? Hey, just because it gives us an opportunity to practice suffocating psych ward inmates (and I REALLY want to try that on the Wii) people get all squeamish. It’s just practice for where today’s youth is going anyways, according to the same people who want to stop it from coming out. Might as well let them learn early, I say. But I guess it’s healthier to tell them stories about a group of brothers chasing their own kin into the desert to steal the coat their father gave him, and then sell him into slavery. Or two sisters getting their elderly father drunk and “preserving the family line.” You know, feel-good family stories.
It seems like parents just don’t want to raise their kids these days; they are so busy telling the media what offends them, they just don’t have time to TALK to their kids, and teach them right from wrong. No, it’s EVERYONE ELSE’S fault, of course. This bugs the hell out of me. My parents set guidelines and taught me to differentiate fantasy from reality. I watched every violent movie, played every shoot-‘em-up game when I was a kid, and I came out (relatively) fine. At the very least, I’ve never gone on a GTA-style rampage like those self-righteous parents said I would from playing those games. You see, I was able to tell that it was JUST A GAME.
Hell, I even listen to heavy metal. By these people’s logic, I should have horns growing from my cranium and a pointy tail. Yet I have still been able to maintain a semblance of normalcy. Whenever some loony goes and cracks, usually after years of isolation and torment, they start to play the blame game. Never mind that a lot of us play games and listen to this music as a release and to feel connected to something. It’s not like people didn’t go out and do sick crap before Terminator and Devil May Cry. The Bible has more brutal stories than any modern story (see above) but it’s always the entertainment that gets the blame. Funny, huh?
So in closing, just make your own decisions about what’s right and what’s wrong. 99.9% of us are never going to emulate the violence we see in games and movies, or hear in metal. Yeah, it’s unfortunate that a few dicks have to make the rest of us look bad, but that's how it always happens. More people have died over religion than any other thing in history, but we don’t try to ban churches. Some people are truly disturbed, and unfortunately a number of them are bound to snap someday. This is the way it’s always been, and it’s probably always going to be this way. But we can’t let it interrupt our lives anymore than it has too, because that’s when the terrorists win. Just try to set a good example for everyone else, and I’ll try not to get too preachy. Deal?
Bang your head, and shake your Wii-Mote.
Just give me a simple life--my tastes are not demanding, And whatever life may hand me I'll accept it with good grace; For I'm just a simple lad with few ideas about my station, So ale and song will apt suffice to keep me in my place.
-Skyclad
Honestly, I’d say between work, school, updating the 5th Stage and the plethora of amazing looking games on the way, I’m not going to have any time for life’s simple pleasures, like bathing or changing clothes. I hope these camo shorts hold up. I guess it’s a good thing I had training for this that summer that I lived in a basement and played PSOne, NES and Sega Master System games for 3 straight months. Thank the gods for food delivery people, or we probably would have starved. And of course, we had a few outdoor barbeques, but we just brought the TVs and consoles outside for those, too. Oh, the good ol’ days.
These days, though, I am forced into virtual slavery; can you believe I am expected to pay for my OWN video games and food? I mean, seriously, what kind of communist society are we living in? How am I supposed to play all these 80+ hour RPGs, and still have time for action, adventure, first person shooter, puzzle and rock god simulators with this kind of schedule? I thought this was America! The land of laziness! What went wrong?
I’ll say one thing, all the censorship isn’t helping my plight. I can’t believe they are trying to stop the release of Manhunt 2. What, a little shanking isn’t acceptable in our society? Hey, just because it gives us an opportunity to practice suffocating psych ward inmates (and I REALLY want to try that on the Wii) people get all squeamish. It’s just practice for where today’s youth is going anyways, according to the same people who want to stop it from coming out. Might as well let them learn early, I say. But I guess it’s healthier to tell them stories about a group of brothers chasing their own kin into the desert to steal the coat their father gave him, and then sell him into slavery. Or two sisters getting their elderly father drunk and “preserving the family line.” You know, feel-good family stories.
It seems like parents just don’t want to raise their kids these days; they are so busy telling the media what offends them, they just don’t have time to TALK to their kids, and teach them right from wrong. No, it’s EVERYONE ELSE’S fault, of course. This bugs the hell out of me. My parents set guidelines and taught me to differentiate fantasy from reality. I watched every violent movie, played every shoot-‘em-up game when I was a kid, and I came out (relatively) fine. At the very least, I’ve never gone on a GTA-style rampage like those self-righteous parents said I would from playing those games. You see, I was able to tell that it was JUST A GAME.
Hell, I even listen to heavy metal. By these people’s logic, I should have horns growing from my cranium and a pointy tail. Yet I have still been able to maintain a semblance of normalcy. Whenever some loony goes and cracks, usually after years of isolation and torment, they start to play the blame game. Never mind that a lot of us play games and listen to this music as a release and to feel connected to something. It’s not like people didn’t go out and do sick crap before Terminator and Devil May Cry. The Bible has more brutal stories than any modern story (see above) but it’s always the entertainment that gets the blame. Funny, huh?
So in closing, just make your own decisions about what’s right and what’s wrong. 99.9% of us are never going to emulate the violence we see in games and movies, or hear in metal. Yeah, it’s unfortunate that a few dicks have to make the rest of us look bad, but that's how it always happens. More people have died over religion than any other thing in history, but we don’t try to ban churches. Some people are truly disturbed, and unfortunately a number of them are bound to snap someday. This is the way it’s always been, and it’s probably always going to be this way. But we can’t let it interrupt our lives anymore than it has too, because that’s when the terrorists win. Just try to set a good example for everyone else, and I’ll try not to get too preachy. Deal?
Bang your head, and shake your Wii-Mote.
Just give me a simple life--my tastes are not demanding, And whatever life may hand me I'll accept it with good grace; For I'm just a simple lad with few ideas about my station, So ale and song will apt suffice to keep me in my place.
-Skyclad
Sunday, July 15, 2007
It's Like Hands-Free Origami
I am now the rather amused owner of a PS3, thanks to my secret connections of secrecy allowing me to pick it up for less than 400 US dollars (5.7M Albanian). Sadly, this was on top of my weekly games purchase, so I ended up spending 600 dollars anyways, though I did get 8 cool games. Fine, 4 cool games. Ok, ok, 1 cool game and seven terrible ones that I will enjoy. Regardless, my joy was undeterred, thanks to the downloadable Dynasty Warriors: Gundam demo, which rocks (preemptive piss off to all you DW haters out there, no one said you had to like it). I took the plunge and found the water to be a comfortable 75 degrees Fahrenheit, with all sorts of little perks like a wireless flotation device and comprehensive backwards compatibility with my old pool, despite the missing rumble.
Metaphorical breakdown aside, I feel it is a good time to engage in the all-important thanking of those that came before, as Jamieson sagely advocates. A time to thank those who made today possible; a time to honor the ones that allow us to stand here today on the cutting edge of tomorrow. I'm referring, of course, to the former boyfriends of Jane, my ladyfriend, for setting such shockingly low standards for male behaviour. By comparison, spending 3/4 of my salary on video games instead of on rents or crushing debts? Not so bad. Almost positive, even. She greeted it with but a mere sigh and witty banter with our cashier, further cementing my relationship with the retail outlet of my choosing. Any doubts were quickly assuaged with Folding@Home, that commercially funded, SETI-knockoff protein experiment progam, banking on her weaknesses for biology and vibration. I must write those people a thank you letter, just before I sue them for the royalties owed me for that protein I folded last night. I mean, I'm in the 66 percentile of folders thanks to that one work unit, I deserve some rewards for my hard work.
Folding has this map of the world, showing who's folding. To the one dude in Swaziland: keep it real, brother. To my Chilean brothers: get folding, you lazy sacks of crap!
All in all, the current 60GB PS3 is a cool little unit. Well, big unit. All it needs now is a little Iron Savior, and I'm set for life. Well, until the 65nm chip 360 comes out. And I still need a Wii. And games for the PS3. Not that there really are any. But still, set for life.
:SñrC
"Mighty Savior, Giant made of Steel,
Let your hammer Pound on the Evil we'll Reveal!"
Metaphorical breakdown aside, I feel it is a good time to engage in the all-important thanking of those that came before, as Jamieson sagely advocates. A time to thank those who made today possible; a time to honor the ones that allow us to stand here today on the cutting edge of tomorrow. I'm referring, of course, to the former boyfriends of Jane, my ladyfriend, for setting such shockingly low standards for male behaviour. By comparison, spending 3/4 of my salary on video games instead of on rents or crushing debts? Not so bad. Almost positive, even. She greeted it with but a mere sigh and witty banter with our cashier, further cementing my relationship with the retail outlet of my choosing. Any doubts were quickly assuaged with Folding@Home, that commercially funded, SETI-knockoff protein experiment progam, banking on her weaknesses for biology and vibration. I must write those people a thank you letter, just before I sue them for the royalties owed me for that protein I folded last night. I mean, I'm in the 66 percentile of folders thanks to that one work unit, I deserve some rewards for my hard work.
Folding has this map of the world, showing who's folding. To the one dude in Swaziland: keep it real, brother. To my Chilean brothers: get folding, you lazy sacks of crap!
All in all, the current 60GB PS3 is a cool little unit. Well, big unit. All it needs now is a little Iron Savior, and I'm set for life. Well, until the 65nm chip 360 comes out. And I still need a Wii. And games for the PS3. Not that there really are any. But still, set for life.
:SñrC
"Mighty Savior, Giant made of Steel,
Let your hammer Pound on the Evil we'll Reveal!"
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Live Free or Game Hard
Hi everyone, my name is Jamieson, and I'm a gamer.
*YOU*: Hi Jamieson.
I think it all started when I was about 3 years old and my older brother, Jason, who is 10 years my senior, put an Atari joystick in my hand. That was it, man, POW! Since that moment, I've never been the same. It molded me into the man I am today (the jury is still out on whether or not that is a good thing). I think I could give up breathing and still be better of than if a doctor told me I had to stop gaming. It's been a way for me to socialize, and a way for me to be by myself. In fact, I was pretty much raised by plastic boxes attached to televisions with cables (okay, maybe my parents did a little bit; I mean, who else was gonna buy me new games?).
A few years later, on Christmas, when I got my NES, whoa! Might as well call up the school and tell them to give my seat to another kid, because you couldn't pry me off of that thing without a crowbar and some chloroform to knock me out. My new class room was the living room. My teachers came in convenient cartridge form, and my 'writing' implement was a beautiful little plastic rectangle with two red buttons. Thus began my journey into REAL gaming. Sure, Atari was awesome, and I can say with an odd sense of pride that we owned E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. That's right! At least one copy saved from the landfill. But with the Nintendo, a whole new world was opened up.
It started with Super Mario Bro.'s. One look at the crazy, cracked-out world of mushrooms, big green pipes to secrets places, and castles with pretty much the best theme music ever written, and I was certain that the rest of my life would be spent with controller firmly in my grip. This was better than chocolate milk (the best thing I'd had prior to the Nintendo), and it was damn fun. And then I struck gold. Seriously, GOLD. That being the golden cartridge that was... the Legend of Zelda. When Jason told me that the freakin' thing had a BATTERY in it, to SAVE YOUR FREAKIN' PLACE (little Jamieson: "Ahhhhh..." *mouth hangs open in utter awe.), I could have died and gone to Valhalla right there! That probably would have been the ONE thing that would stop me from playing that game.
It's true that video games have kind of taken over a good portion of my life. In my teenage years, I would gladly forsake movies, sports and most other forms of social interaction to keep playing. I think I may have ruined a couple good friendships just to beat Final Fantasy 6 one more time, but I'm sure it was for the better. If they were REAL friends, they would have been there cheering me on, or at least trying to convince me to play something multi-player. Friends that game together, stay together, or some sappy shite like that.
Now recently, I've been hearing a lot of people bitching about the gaming industry, talking about the number of garbage titles being released as if everything that came out on the Nintendo was of the caliber of Metroid and Mario 3. Well I'll tell you, this is NOT the case. Sure, we have these fond memories of kicking the crap out of Ganon, or blasting Mother Brain in the face with rockets, but we forget the real stinker games. Hey, maybe it's for the better. Who wants to feel responsible for having their parents blow 50 bucks on Totally Rad? Or the embarrassment of owning Amazon? Seriously, I still wake up in a cold sweat at night after the nightmare about paying real cash money for the Robin Hood movie game. Hey, we all make mistakes.
The point is, bad games are not new; we, the old school gaming community, have just become jaded. Yeah, we came from an era of Street Fighter II, Ghosts N' Goblins, and every great Final Fantasy, so it's hard not to get cocky when they STILL release these games over and over again, with a few bells and whistles. And hey, let's admit it, we buy them. I bet everyone who downloaded the SF2 re-release on the 360 already owned at least 2 different versions from generations past. It okay. We are weak to nostalgia. If they put out a remake of Chrono Trigger RIGHT NOW (hint, hint Square) I would run out, shove an old lady out of my way and BUY IT! Proudly, and without any hesitation or regret. The addiction is that strong.
But we had more than our share of crappy games. Stuff that's so bad it's not even fun like one of those games that is fun because it sucks. Hell, there were more than 700 NES games, and I'll tell you that no one is jumping up to bring back most of them. But when we look back, we'll remember the GOOD games, the Contra's and Dragon Warrior's, not the throw-aways. Why would we? But those good games, those great games, those are the ones that stick with us. I can honestly think of pretty much the same number (give or take, of course) of great games from every generation (a lot of them take place in the year 20XX). I can't think of one time period that had that much more in terms of games I love than any other.
It is true that certain fanchises seem to be losing there steam, but new contenders take their place. When the reigning king dies, the empire shouldn't have to die with him; it should honor him, replace him, and move on, maybe looking back every once and a while to think back on good memories. I'll be the first to say that with Rock Band, BioShock, Metal Gear Solid 4, Metroid Prime 3, and numerous others coming down the pipeline, I am not afraid for the future of gaming. I think it only gets better from here. And I don't think I'm alone.
So to wrap up, it's great to feel connected to the past of great gaming, but don't let it blind you to what is still out there. We need to be sure that our children, and our children's children, still have great, new fanchises. And maybe a few remakes of CastleVania.
Keep on' gamin'.
*YOU*: Hi Jamieson.
I think it all started when I was about 3 years old and my older brother, Jason, who is 10 years my senior, put an Atari joystick in my hand. That was it, man, POW! Since that moment, I've never been the same. It molded me into the man I am today (the jury is still out on whether or not that is a good thing). I think I could give up breathing and still be better of than if a doctor told me I had to stop gaming. It's been a way for me to socialize, and a way for me to be by myself. In fact, I was pretty much raised by plastic boxes attached to televisions with cables (okay, maybe my parents did a little bit; I mean, who else was gonna buy me new games?).
A few years later, on Christmas, when I got my NES, whoa! Might as well call up the school and tell them to give my seat to another kid, because you couldn't pry me off of that thing without a crowbar and some chloroform to knock me out. My new class room was the living room. My teachers came in convenient cartridge form, and my 'writing' implement was a beautiful little plastic rectangle with two red buttons. Thus began my journey into REAL gaming. Sure, Atari was awesome, and I can say with an odd sense of pride that we owned E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. That's right! At least one copy saved from the landfill. But with the Nintendo, a whole new world was opened up.
It started with Super Mario Bro.'s. One look at the crazy, cracked-out world of mushrooms, big green pipes to secrets places, and castles with pretty much the best theme music ever written, and I was certain that the rest of my life would be spent with controller firmly in my grip. This was better than chocolate milk (the best thing I'd had prior to the Nintendo), and it was damn fun. And then I struck gold. Seriously, GOLD. That being the golden cartridge that was... the Legend of Zelda. When Jason told me that the freakin' thing had a BATTERY in it, to SAVE YOUR FREAKIN' PLACE (little Jamieson: "Ahhhhh..." *mouth hangs open in utter awe.), I could have died and gone to Valhalla right there! That probably would have been the ONE thing that would stop me from playing that game.
It's true that video games have kind of taken over a good portion of my life. In my teenage years, I would gladly forsake movies, sports and most other forms of social interaction to keep playing. I think I may have ruined a couple good friendships just to beat Final Fantasy 6 one more time, but I'm sure it was for the better. If they were REAL friends, they would have been there cheering me on, or at least trying to convince me to play something multi-player. Friends that game together, stay together, or some sappy shite like that.
Now recently, I've been hearing a lot of people bitching about the gaming industry, talking about the number of garbage titles being released as if everything that came out on the Nintendo was of the caliber of Metroid and Mario 3. Well I'll tell you, this is NOT the case. Sure, we have these fond memories of kicking the crap out of Ganon, or blasting Mother Brain in the face with rockets, but we forget the real stinker games. Hey, maybe it's for the better. Who wants to feel responsible for having their parents blow 50 bucks on Totally Rad? Or the embarrassment of owning Amazon? Seriously, I still wake up in a cold sweat at night after the nightmare about paying real cash money for the Robin Hood movie game. Hey, we all make mistakes.
The point is, bad games are not new; we, the old school gaming community, have just become jaded. Yeah, we came from an era of Street Fighter II, Ghosts N' Goblins, and every great Final Fantasy, so it's hard not to get cocky when they STILL release these games over and over again, with a few bells and whistles. And hey, let's admit it, we buy them. I bet everyone who downloaded the SF2 re-release on the 360 already owned at least 2 different versions from generations past. It okay. We are weak to nostalgia. If they put out a remake of Chrono Trigger RIGHT NOW (hint, hint Square) I would run out, shove an old lady out of my way and BUY IT! Proudly, and without any hesitation or regret. The addiction is that strong.
But we had more than our share of crappy games. Stuff that's so bad it's not even fun like one of those games that is fun because it sucks. Hell, there were more than 700 NES games, and I'll tell you that no one is jumping up to bring back most of them. But when we look back, we'll remember the GOOD games, the Contra's and Dragon Warrior's, not the throw-aways. Why would we? But those good games, those great games, those are the ones that stick with us. I can honestly think of pretty much the same number (give or take, of course) of great games from every generation (a lot of them take place in the year 20XX). I can't think of one time period that had that much more in terms of games I love than any other.
It is true that certain fanchises seem to be losing there steam, but new contenders take their place. When the reigning king dies, the empire shouldn't have to die with him; it should honor him, replace him, and move on, maybe looking back every once and a while to think back on good memories. I'll be the first to say that with Rock Band, BioShock, Metal Gear Solid 4, Metroid Prime 3, and numerous others coming down the pipeline, I am not afraid for the future of gaming. I think it only gets better from here. And I don't think I'm alone.
So to wrap up, it's great to feel connected to the past of great gaming, but don't let it blind you to what is still out there. We need to be sure that our children, and our children's children, still have great, new fanchises. And maybe a few remakes of CastleVania.
Keep on' gamin'.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Sony might hate Microsoft, Consumers
First of all, there is a modicum of rage that Sony is purported to have in regards to Microsoft, probably because they feel that an inferior hardware product is beating the pants off of them in the market, which is absolutely true. Software aside, the 360 is pretty sad as compared to the PS3.
Secondly, an by far the most apoplexy-inducing news of E3 so far, Sony is "phasing out" the 60GB PS3 in favor of the 80GB version, which has the utter crap software PS2 emulation that doesn't play very many PS2 games at all. This means I have to go buy a PS3 now, today, instead of a car. RAGE! (apologies for the glut of links)
Observe how Sony both hates Microsoft for their crappy product and hates the consumers for buying said crappy product (Microsoft uses software emulation to avoid backwards compatibility as well).
What do you mean, "Why don't you just not buy a PS3?" What are you, high? On the drugs?
:SñrC
Sony: "I think we shall adopt this 'Not Sorry' plan of Microsoft's. It allows for such guilt-free crushing of the consumer."
Secondly, an by far the most apoplexy-inducing news of E3 so far, Sony is "phasing out" the 60GB PS3 in favor of the 80GB version, which has the utter crap software PS2 emulation that doesn't play very many PS2 games at all. This means I have to go buy a PS3 now, today, instead of a car. RAGE! (apologies for the glut of links)
Observe how Sony both hates Microsoft for their crappy product and hates the consumers for buying said crappy product (Microsoft uses software emulation to avoid backwards compatibility as well).
What do you mean, "Why don't you just not buy a PS3?" What are you, high? On the drugs?
:SñrC
Sony: "I think we shall adopt this 'Not Sorry' plan of Microsoft's. It allows for such guilt-free crushing of the consumer."
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A Jesus to the Past
So there I was, this close to my third near hit of the day in my girlfriend's car, when a thought hit me: I need to play more video games, I'm starting to lose my freaking concentration here. Oh, and I might need to hold off on getting that PS3 in favor of my own car. But back to gaming, that glorious time between having to do stuff and having to do other stuff, I need to play more goddamn games. I mean, I've played what, like one hour a day the last three days. What the hell is that? At least I conquered a game recently, so I have news to post. Mighty News of DOOOOM!
...
Ok, so I don't, China stole my thunder by killing their food minister. I didn't know you could kill corrupt politicians; I think I have to go reevaluate my life now.
IN THE MEANTIME
I just conquered the Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX, which is a sweet freaking game. I say "sweet freaking" because I lack the proper set of adjectives required to expound how amazing I think this game is on account of having beaten the original game boy version 7 times when I was 12. It's a perfect Zelda game. Should I call it a Link game? Hell, my guy is always named Jesus, so that the females of the game can fall in love with him and tempt him towards sin. Makes me feel like Satan.
Anyways, Jesus is a mighty hero who gets hit by goddamn lightning and spends several hours passed out in the ocean dreaming about a magical fairy land created by a winged space whale. You can't get more boss than that. Well, if he started rocking a guitar and a curly supermullet like Michael Lee Firkins, he would achieve levels of boss only dreamed of by FOXHOUND, but besides that, nothing, no way, no how. I mean, after floating in the ocean for weeks, he awakes upon destroying an entire island full of his "friends" and smiles. Smiles! Leonardo di Caprio died from ocean exposure in minutes, but Jesus need not fear neither osmosis, convection, conduction, nor the specific heat of water. That, my friends, is why I am playing a 9-year old re-release of a 14 year old game, because Jesus can jump, hack, arrow, and steal his way to glory (although everyone starts calling him a THIEF after that last one. Who cares, they're all gonna die) . Everyone who has never played this game needs to play either the DX version or the original, they're both equally awesome, although I found the DX version to be a little bit easier since you get the color cloaks after level three, allowing you to be powered up constantly. So go play Legend of Zelda: Jesus' Awakening today!
What's next on my plate? I just tracked down and bought the GBC Legend of Zelda:Oracles of Stuff games, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, go to the GameFAQS GBC page and find out. If you still don't know what I'm talking about, well, stick around, you might learn something from your betters.
The Oracle games pick up after Jesus floats back home, gets on a horse, rides over to where the Triforce is to wish for his gear back;it sank in the ocean after his boat got hit by lightning in the last game. By the way, you know how he survived? He tied himself to the thing most likely to get struck: his main mast. He deliberately put himself in the most likely position to get struck by lightning. Like I said, boss. So Jesus gets teleported to some random land in the middle of nowhere, TWICE, so that he can save the world from darkness, which has decided that capturing two of the Great Goddesses, sorry, Oracles from the Ocarina of Time game is the way to victory. Clearly, Jesus is going to have to choke evil with his mighty hands, better known as his A and B buttons. And Señor Conquistador will be there with him.
Oh, and I'm playing Odin Sphere on the PS2, which is gorgeous and amazing and too good for Jamieson, who is beneath such greatness. Gwendolyn is my new hero: she manages to doom the entire world for the sake of dragging her dumbass husband back from the grave. Orpheus doesn't have anything on her, all he did was charm people. Gwendolyn uses the souls of the dead to kill the Ruler of the Underworld, which gets lots of points, but is still not as boss as Jesus, who has callous disregard for everything instead of just all humanoids. Still, she manages to go against every godlike being in her world and defeat them all, one just through intimidation. And the game has honest to goodness sheep trees/cotton plants, and an alchemy system based on corpses. Just because it plays like Dynasty Warriors crossed with defender is no reason to write it off.
:SñrC
...
Ok, so I don't, China stole my thunder by killing their food minister. I didn't know you could kill corrupt politicians; I think I have to go reevaluate my life now.
IN THE MEANTIME
I just conquered the Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX, which is a sweet freaking game. I say "sweet freaking" because I lack the proper set of adjectives required to expound how amazing I think this game is on account of having beaten the original game boy version 7 times when I was 12. It's a perfect Zelda game. Should I call it a Link game? Hell, my guy is always named Jesus, so that the females of the game can fall in love with him and tempt him towards sin. Makes me feel like Satan.
Anyways, Jesus is a mighty hero who gets hit by goddamn lightning and spends several hours passed out in the ocean dreaming about a magical fairy land created by a winged space whale. You can't get more boss than that. Well, if he started rocking a guitar and a curly supermullet like Michael Lee Firkins, he would achieve levels of boss only dreamed of by FOXHOUND, but besides that, nothing, no way, no how. I mean, after floating in the ocean for weeks, he awakes upon destroying an entire island full of his "friends" and smiles. Smiles! Leonardo di Caprio died from ocean exposure in minutes, but Jesus need not fear neither osmosis, convection, conduction, nor the specific heat of water. That, my friends, is why I am playing a 9-year old re-release of a 14 year old game, because Jesus can jump, hack, arrow, and steal his way to glory (although everyone starts calling him a THIEF after that last one. Who cares, they're all gonna die) . Everyone who has never played this game needs to play either the DX version or the original, they're both equally awesome, although I found the DX version to be a little bit easier since you get the color cloaks after level three, allowing you to be powered up constantly. So go play Legend of Zelda: Jesus' Awakening today!
What's next on my plate? I just tracked down and bought the GBC Legend of Zelda:Oracles of Stuff games, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, go to the GameFAQS GBC page and find out. If you still don't know what I'm talking about, well, stick around, you might learn something from your betters.
The Oracle games pick up after Jesus floats back home, gets on a horse, rides over to where the Triforce is to wish for his gear back;it sank in the ocean after his boat got hit by lightning in the last game. By the way, you know how he survived? He tied himself to the thing most likely to get struck: his main mast. He deliberately put himself in the most likely position to get struck by lightning. Like I said, boss. So Jesus gets teleported to some random land in the middle of nowhere, TWICE, so that he can save the world from darkness, which has decided that capturing two of the Great Goddesses, sorry, Oracles from the Ocarina of Time game is the way to victory. Clearly, Jesus is going to have to choke evil with his mighty hands, better known as his A and B buttons. And Señor Conquistador will be there with him.
Oh, and I'm playing Odin Sphere on the PS2, which is gorgeous and amazing and too good for Jamieson, who is beneath such greatness. Gwendolyn is my new hero: she manages to doom the entire world for the sake of dragging her dumbass husband back from the grave. Orpheus doesn't have anything on her, all he did was charm people. Gwendolyn uses the souls of the dead to kill the Ruler of the Underworld, which gets lots of points, but is still not as boss as Jesus, who has callous disregard for everything instead of just all humanoids. Still, she manages to go against every godlike being in her world and defeat them all, one just through intimidation. And the game has honest to goodness sheep trees/cotton plants, and an alchemy system based on corpses. Just because it plays like Dynasty Warriors crossed with defender is no reason to write it off.
:SñrC
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
In the beginning... (part 2)
The origins of the earliest video game is clouded in half-truths, out right lies and egotistical self serving-ness, but wherever this pinnacle of human evolution began, the intent was clear; reinstate meaning into people's lives. The seeds of meaningful existence were kept alive in the hearts of vikings, pirates and cowboys, all helping to spread the Gospel of Glory, but the modern forgers of freedom were far different in method, if not intent.
Video games where created by the nerds, for the nerds. Our Founding Fathers carved a processor and wire-strewn path through the universities and basements of the Earth, with a vision for a new world; a world where no zombie would roam un-decapitated, no dragon would go un-slain, and no destiny would go un-fulfilled. These pillars of digital dexterity laid down the stones of the road to immortality. May we never let their toils go unappreciated.
Though we can't say for certain what the very first video game was called, we know what it was; freedom in it's most convenient form. Like a ship or sword or bottle of rum, it was a sign of better things for the user. The earliest Gods of Games crafted masterpieces in 8-bits, creating new and exciting worlds to be explored and saved, in all their pixelated majesty. Sure, the story lines may have been a little lacking at times, but the FEELING was there. It was a sensation like no other that had been felt for hundreds of years, and dammit, it felt good!
These elder Gods laid the foundation, but the palace was erected by a man named Shigeru Miyamoto, the Lord and Saviour. Surviving the terrifying Video Game Crash of 1983 (ironically the year of my birth) with the help of a mustached Italian plumber and a giant ape, Lord Miyamoto revitalized the sport of kings with a humble two-tone grey plastic box (granted some other guys helped, too, but, you know), and history as we know it began. This would become an Age of Heroes, where ordinary people did big things. Whether a plumber, a young boy in green spandex, a space bounty hunter or a secret agent, your meaning for living was now defined.
Using centuries worth of mythology, tales of heroism and some vivid imagination, the New Gods build an empire the likes of which have beaten down the tired xenophobia of Hollywood with more meaningful, more personal content. I've never cried at a movie (well, maybe at 300, but that touched by gaming soul) but when I had to fire the final shot at the Boss, or when I thought Agro had fallen to his doom, a little tear did trickle from my mighty eye.
Some foolish non-believers say that video games have killed the imagination, but I take great offence to such rubbish; video games are the newest form of art. What could be more artistic than diving under a table, drawing your Mk22 and tranq'ing an enemy soldier? Or the glorious spurts of blood shooting from the neck of a chainsaw wounded alien? These, my friends, are proof that Evolution has continued into the 21st century.
So may this be our call to arms! Video games are for the participant, not the spectator! They allows us to carve our own destiny (even if that destiny is predetermined) and experience a personal glory that had been taken from us long before our births! Thanks to the Modern Gods, the Creators of Worlds, we have a new reason to live! Raise your controllers to the sky, and may all your victories be lauded and bragged about! And may you never lose the Faith of the Gamer.
Video games where created by the nerds, for the nerds. Our Founding Fathers carved a processor and wire-strewn path through the universities and basements of the Earth, with a vision for a new world; a world where no zombie would roam un-decapitated, no dragon would go un-slain, and no destiny would go un-fulfilled. These pillars of digital dexterity laid down the stones of the road to immortality. May we never let their toils go unappreciated.
Though we can't say for certain what the very first video game was called, we know what it was; freedom in it's most convenient form. Like a ship or sword or bottle of rum, it was a sign of better things for the user. The earliest Gods of Games crafted masterpieces in 8-bits, creating new and exciting worlds to be explored and saved, in all their pixelated majesty. Sure, the story lines may have been a little lacking at times, but the FEELING was there. It was a sensation like no other that had been felt for hundreds of years, and dammit, it felt good!
These elder Gods laid the foundation, but the palace was erected by a man named Shigeru Miyamoto, the Lord and Saviour. Surviving the terrifying Video Game Crash of 1983 (ironically the year of my birth) with the help of a mustached Italian plumber and a giant ape, Lord Miyamoto revitalized the sport of kings with a humble two-tone grey plastic box (granted some other guys helped, too, but, you know), and history as we know it began. This would become an Age of Heroes, where ordinary people did big things. Whether a plumber, a young boy in green spandex, a space bounty hunter or a secret agent, your meaning for living was now defined.
Using centuries worth of mythology, tales of heroism and some vivid imagination, the New Gods build an empire the likes of which have beaten down the tired xenophobia of Hollywood with more meaningful, more personal content. I've never cried at a movie (well, maybe at 300, but that touched by gaming soul) but when I had to fire the final shot at the Boss, or when I thought Agro had fallen to his doom, a little tear did trickle from my mighty eye.
Some foolish non-believers say that video games have killed the imagination, but I take great offence to such rubbish; video games are the newest form of art. What could be more artistic than diving under a table, drawing your Mk22 and tranq'ing an enemy soldier? Or the glorious spurts of blood shooting from the neck of a chainsaw wounded alien? These, my friends, are proof that Evolution has continued into the 21st century.
So may this be our call to arms! Video games are for the participant, not the spectator! They allows us to carve our own destiny (even if that destiny is predetermined) and experience a personal glory that had been taken from us long before our births! Thanks to the Modern Gods, the Creators of Worlds, we have a new reason to live! Raise your controllers to the sky, and may all your victories be lauded and bragged about! And may you never lose the Faith of the Gamer.
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