In Which Nature Makes the Consequences of My Actions Immediately Apparent

As the proud owner of a brand-used PS-surii, I ended up assuming quite a bit. For example, I assumed that when one pays $LEG99 for what essentially amounts to a specialized computer from the Pentium Xeon era, one should receive what we in the buying stuff business like to call value from one's purchase. See, I like potential as much as the next guy, but even I know that potential is a totally worthless thing until it becomes reality. Remember, it's not the fall but the ground that kills you, and until said ground kills you, a fall will barely do more than mess up your hair. With this concept in mind, I approached the PS3 expecting an upgrade to the PS2 in every way, just like how the PS2 had made the PS1--one? X? I never really quite bothered to find out what the proper acronym for the original was--obsolete for all official uses. At the very least, I figured that if I didn't like/couldn't afford the current new-fangled graphical pleasures that were available, I could plug my old stuff in and run with it, just like when I got the PS2 and promptly beat Metal Gear Solid again. You know, value.

Long story short, I bought a PS2->PS3 controller adapter, marveled at all of the functions it advertised, and promptly threw it through the ceiling approximately 3.4 seconds after reading the instructions for making Guitar Hero work with it. Basically, it doesn't. Or, it does, but you can't hammer, pull, whammy, or go vertical for Star Power. So it doesn't, and whoever this "Pelican" company is, it's full of dirty, dirty liars. It says on the package, "works with Guitar Hero 1 and 2!". Dirty lying package of lies.

As a side note, have any of you ever done roofing during a lightning storm? How do you get the static out of your pubes? My boxers are uncomfortably energetic, yet somehow relaxing.

So after I got the stupid dongle out of the neighbor's prized petunias, I settled down to play me some Odin Sphere, which still rules. Guitar Hero? Screw that, it's one game and still works on my PS2, Todd. Todd's exploited anyhow, so it's not like he was ever getting removed from the gaming setup. Odin Sphere, on the other hand, only requires a controller and a healthy awesomeness tolerance level, lest your brain become an unusable husk of protein. I know my fancy new wireless controller didn't have rumble anywhere, so I plugged my dual shock into Thundercles (my PS3) and settled in for some sheep harvesting.

Now, in my defense, I'm a programmer and an engineer, spawned from the union of an engineer and an Undead Hispanic Lord from the 1500's. I not only know how hard it is to program a software/hardware interface, I know how to do it right and lose my temper with the stupid and the lazy who insist on doing it wrong. I was born this way, so without Alzheimer's or marijuana, there wasn't much chance of me developing tolerance or ignorance. So understand that there are specific parts of my body set aside for the express purpose of performing certain actions, and they jump at pretty much any chance they get to exercise my heritage.

When I told the store that the dongle they sold me didn't work, they let me return it, since it had long since stopped doing anything after the thirteenth attempt at rewiring ended in Gorilla Glue and concealing paint. They almost forced me to buy another one, but all of their dongles mysteriously disappeared while they weren't looking. One of the clerks wondered aloud a the faint smell of burning plastic and soldering, but tragically fell dead to a heart attack. It was a sad scene, let me tell you. So sad. Almost as sad as my goddamn rumbling controllers that have rumble built into them and rumble pretty much on goddamn command not goddamn rumbling when plugged into the PS3! Backwards compatible? Backwards Compatible!?! BACKWARDS COMPATIBLE MY F-






And another thing! When you can't make best-selling games work on your newest device because your heads are so far up your urethrae that you can't figure out how to make one stupid controller interact properly with your system, you lose your right to live and gain the duty to suck my-






Ahem.

Ok, so even though pretty much every single PS1 and 2 game will load in the PS3, none of the controllers actually work, for whatever reason (*cough*urethrae*cough*). Sure, the analog functions work, but all the dongle does is turn a perfectly good controller into a non-motion-sensing, non-wireless SIXAXIS. And even though I hear rumor of rumble's return to the PS3, I can't do that right now, despite the amount of money I paid. This leaves me in the unenviable position of having to wait for future firmware updates to fix everything I hate about Thundercles, my protein-folding, watt-hour sucking paperweight. This is why I always wait at least a year to adopt new gaming hardware, and I curse Sony for forcing my hand and making me taste bitter disappointment. I'll get you for this, Sony. You'll see. Without rumble, you'll never even feel the horde coming until it's too late.

You know, having a father actually be from hell does have perks.

:SñrC

Pictures stolen from:
http://www.mbi.ufl.edu/~vetneuro/kitten-1.jpg off of
http://express.7.forumer.com/a/share-pictures-of-kittens-and-talk-about-kittens-and-stuff_post1638.html

http://www.poppyspetcare.co.uk/

Jokes stolen from:
Freakazoid

Souls stolen from:
David Blevins
Parker Wanless
Jessica Kavanah

They will not be missed.