A Jesus to the Past

So there I was, this close to my third near hit of the day in my girlfriend's car, when a thought hit me: I need to play more video games, I'm starting to lose my freaking concentration here. Oh, and I might need to hold off on getting that PS3 in favor of my own car. But back to gaming, that glorious time between having to do stuff and having to do other stuff, I need to play more goddamn games. I mean, I've played what, like one hour a day the last three days. What the hell is that? At least I conquered a game recently, so I have news to post. Mighty News of DOOOOM!

...

Ok, so I don't, China stole my thunder by killing their food minister. I didn't know you could kill corrupt politicians; I think I have to go reevaluate my life now.

IN THE MEANTIME

I just conquered the Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX, which is a sweet freaking game. I say "sweet freaking" because I lack the proper set of adjectives required to expound how amazing I think this game is on account of having beaten the original game boy version 7 times when I was 12. It's a perfect Zelda game. Should I call it a Link game? Hell, my guy is always named Jesus, so that the females of the game can fall in love with him and tempt him towards sin. Makes me feel like Satan.

Anyways, Jesus is a mighty hero who gets hit by goddamn lightning and spends several hours passed out in the ocean dreaming about a magical fairy land created by a winged space whale. You can't get more boss than that. Well, if he started rocking a guitar and a curly supermullet like Michael Lee Firkins, he would achieve levels of boss only dreamed of by FOXHOUND, but besides that, nothing, no way, no how. I mean, after floating in the ocean for weeks, he awakes upon destroying an entire island full of his "friends" and smiles. Smiles! Leonardo di Caprio died from ocean exposure in minutes, but Jesus need not fear neither osmosis, convection, conduction, nor the specific heat of water. That, my friends, is why I am playing a 9-year old re-release of a 14 year old game, because Jesus can jump, hack, arrow, and steal his way to glory (although everyone starts calling him a THIEF after that last one. Who cares, they're all gonna die) . Everyone who has never played this game needs to play either the DX version or the original, they're both equally awesome, although I found the DX version to be a little bit easier since you get the color cloaks after level three, allowing you to be powered up constantly. So go play Legend of Zelda: Jesus' Awakening today!

What's next on my plate? I just tracked down and bought the GBC Legend of Zelda:Oracles of Stuff games, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, go to the GameFAQS GBC page and find out. If you still don't know what I'm talking about, well, stick around, you might learn something from your betters.

The Oracle games pick up after Jesus floats back home, gets on a horse, rides over to where the Triforce is to wish for his gear back;it sank in the ocean after his boat got hit by lightning in the last game. By the way, you know how he survived? He tied himself to the thing most likely to get struck: his main mast. He deliberately put himself in the most likely position to get struck by lightning. Like I said, boss. So Jesus gets teleported to some random land in the middle of nowhere, TWICE, so that he can save the world from darkness, which has decided that capturing two of the Great Goddesses, sorry, Oracles from the Ocarina of Time game is the way to victory. Clearly, Jesus is going to have to choke evil with his mighty hands, better known as his A and B buttons. And Señor Conquistador will be there with him.

Oh, and I'm playing Odin Sphere on the PS2, which is gorgeous and amazing and too good for Jamieson, who is beneath such greatness. Gwendolyn is my new hero: she manages to doom the entire world for the sake of dragging her dumbass husband back from the grave. Orpheus doesn't have anything on her, all he did was charm people. Gwendolyn uses the souls of the dead to kill the Ruler of the Underworld, which gets lots of points, but is still not as boss as Jesus, who has callous disregard for everything instead of just all humanoids. Still, she manages to go against every godlike being in her world and defeat them all, one just through intimidation. And the game has honest to goodness sheep trees/cotton plants, and an alchemy system based on corpses. Just because it plays like Dynasty Warriors crossed with defender is no reason to write it off.

:SñrC