Go, Leximon! Use a Lawsuit Attack!

The latest and breaking-est news last week is that people who run video game companies are really good at pissing people off; Midway (Mortal Kombat and, uh, other stuff), Epic Games (Unreal Gears of Tournament War Engine 3) and Microsoft (X-Boxicus CCCLX) have been hit with lawsuits for alleged dickery (alleged, as you all know, is a synonym for "blatant yet unproved" in the eyes of the fair warriors of the law. The Lexibellators, if you will). My first reaction, of course, was, "wait, what the hell did Epic do?" What indeed...

Apparently, besides making fancy ways for us to gib each other on the PC and X-Box 360, Epic makes this fancy schmancy "Unreal Engine" thing, which is supposed to make blow-your-eyes-out-your-asshole graphics readily accessible to the common developer. For an example, check out Gears of War, which is purportedly amazing if one is to believe the stories I hear, told by awed, eyeless survivors as their lifeblood leaks from their nether-regions. Gears of War was Epic's cleverly programmed product advertisement, geared to show off the Real Ultimate Power of the Unreal Engine. Success came overwhelmingly quickly, with everyone and their mom licensing the engine so as to avoid having to deal with this generation's multi-threaded parallel processing power--better known as a lazy programmer's second-worst nightmare. Even EA licensed it, and they can actually afford to just buy Epic outright. I found imagining the Empire signing a contract to buy X-wings from the Rebellion after the first Death Star blows up to be an inadequate analogy for of just how big the licensees for this Unreal TechnologyTM are; unfortunately for this piece, my brain threatened judicial action of its own had I kept trying to capture the scope of it all.

On the other side of the lawsuit is a licensor of said imaginary code, one pissed-off company that says that Epic delivered much less than it promised--which, if you're following along, doesn't sound that surprising given the Unreal nature of the graphics purported to come from this Engine. Harsh realities aside, the guys who are making that "Excessively Human" (don't mention the game by name, the head guy at Silicon Knights will shit on your face for dissing it), are right proper pissed because they feel right proper fucked. Epic, meanwhile, doesn't really have time to say anything to these guys because they're busy making sure their engine works for their other clients: CAPCOM, SONY, Electronic Arts, SEGA, and SquareENIX. Right now, they've gotta be thinking "Silicon Knights? Who the fuck is Silicon Knights? Can we buy them with this fat stack of cash? Is Cliffy B gonna have to choke a bitch?"

The answer is no. SK seems to have stumbled across a real issue in their attempt to get their money pit game out to the masses: Epic has stretched themselves too thin to provide real support for angry Canadian game developers who somehow procured over 80 million dollars to spend on a single game. I'm sure all the big name companies are loving the service, and if blowjobs were involved, I would feel surprised at Epic's restraint. If SK wanted their BJ's, they should have forked over a lot more money. Instead, they not only dumped the engine in favor of an in-house graphics thingy, but they want their money back, presumably for the steady supply of anal bees [true story, not a typo! Ed] they require to keep founder/president/head face-biter Denis Dyack running on rage. Image is important, you know.

Now faced with a lawsuit pointing out the flaws in their product in excruciating detail, Epic is either going to require a good PR manager or a mighty lawyer, lest they lose the funds they require to keep their corporate mascots in hair gel and metro outfits. I recommend making one using their Unreal Engine; if their product is as good as they say it is, it should have no problem generating a champion from the æther. Truly, if Gears of War is but one possible outcome, some kind of giant Roman Warrior mascot that eats bad press and shits opening and closing statements is well withing the realm of Unreality.

Hell, I'd pay to see that.

-SñrC

The worst nightmare, you ask? Aye, 'tis a secret closely guarded by the ACM, who will kill anyone foolish enough to reveal it. I can but say that Mountain Dew, two ducks, Uwe Boll, four pounds of quince fruit, and a rutabaga may be involved.